If you think your opinions aren’t asked for or you aren’t valued, read this.
Dear Parents/Partner,
Your Wife/Daughter/Son/Husband really wants to ask your opinions or ask your validation before they make every decision.
But sometimes there don’t. And you might think you are useless/they don’t value you.
But here’s why:
- The last time they asked you something, you gave your ‘negative opinions’ or made them feel frightened by your lack of awareness in the field. So they are afraid you’ll object/fear unnecessarily and so they didn’t ask you.
For eg: the first time I started my business it was a loss. So the second time I thought of doing it, my Dad said stay away. You are too young — people might take advantage of you/scam/use you.
In my Mind: I really wanna do it and Dad will say No. So I’ll not tell him.
In his Mind: I need to protect my child, she shouldn’t be hurt/feel sad/take stressed/suffer.
But me: I love the new adventure. I might get hurt, but I surely can come up again. So I’ll do it.
What would’ve been great from him:
Ask me:
1. Why do you want to do it?
2. What happened last time?
3. What do you feel about it?
4. Where do you see yourself?
And then help me by telling me:
1. Why did it go wrong last time (without blaming anyone)?
2. How other people are, help me understand people’s psychology. Teach me how to tackle them without telling me to avoid them. (Without saying, people are dark, you need to be careful.)
3. Assure me the support even if I get hurt & tell me I’m fearless to go ahead.
4. Share his experience & help me make better decisions while still playing the dangerous game in the most dangerous and the wildest ways.
Ps: he still supports me. But just that, the protectiveness comes first before supporting through the wild.
Second,
They might have grown up always wanting to ask permission, so when they have the free will to make their own decisions they just want to enjoy the freedom.
It’s not you. It’s them. Their inner child wants the freedom.
And so, when you raise a concern from a point of ‘you aren’t asking me anything’ they get defensive.
Because it’s just now, they have the freedom.
Instead speak to them from: “Hey, I’m feeling so and so, when do you so and so. Can I know why you do that or what you are feeling/thinking when you do it?”
Now they tell you their emotions (understand: this might also be the first time they realise why they do that. So be patient) and you tell them yours — you have an open conversation and so life starts becoming more understanding, filled with Love & Happiness.
Summary:
Humans Love co-existing. We always need someone, around us, with us, for us and a backbone to rely on. We always need a protective cover. We always need to share our emotions, our thoughts and our daily life.
But sometimes, people aren’t as unguarded or as free as we think they are. They cover a lot, they hide a lot, they fear a lot and sometimes they are just confused and cover a lot under assumptions.
They do not do something or they do something because they don’t know any better.
If you have watched Grey’s Anatomy there’s this scene in season two. When George’s Father was admitted to the Hospital for oesophageal cancer, he requested the doctors to operate and remove the tumour even if spread to other organs.
Now, the doctors know it's a tough fight to recover, but the Man would just want a chance to fight cuz he thinks it is recoverable. And when his systems did fail and died, all he did was, miss the last few weeks or months with his family. So in the next scene, when George knew it, all he said was:
“You Should’ve not done it. He asked because he didn’t know any better”
So sometimes, it's not about you doing it. Its the lack of awareness that pushes us to do things because we think we have a chance.
If George had just told him before, given him all the awareness and educated him throughout (He was ready to listen. But George’s emotional state didn’t allow him to have that conversation. He was in denial) his father would’ve made a better decision.
So the point is,
- Do not Assume. Talk it through. Talk about what you are feeling, not from what you are feeling.
- Don’t feel the need to protect if the other person isn’t expecting protection. Sometimes all they want is a shoulder to lean on, even if it means crying.
- I understand you don’t want to see your loved ones feel pain. But, what you see as pain is what they see as victory. Remember the bodybuilders who turn Pain to Strength? That’s life.
Live your life and enjoy your Life.
And all you need in the journey is a heart that would love, a mind that understands and a person to hold on to.
